From The Ashes…

March 28, 2010

When the whole thing about blogging started to catch on, I could never see myself doing it. Not just the time commitment, but also the whole idea of posting private thoughts for people to read is a bit scary. About a month ago, I told my fiancee then that I would like to start a blog with the goal in mind that when we have kids, we can keep family and friends updated with what’s going on like many people are doing nowadays. The idea seemed to be especially brilliant as my parents live overseas and won’t be able to see our kids too often. In preparation for that, I was thinking we can start the blog from the date of our wedding, which is April 10, 2010 to signify a new chapter in our lives and have the shared experience chronicled. Plus, I can use some experience with blogging myself.

Unfortunately things aren’t always turning out as I have planned in my head. On March 18, she called off the wedding (we broke up too). Needless to say I was devastated. I went through stages of grief like never before.

It took me a day to go through the denial process. It didn’t sink in what just happened. It quickly turned into guilty feeling on what I could’ve done differently and also mixed with terrible pain. At some point, I started to bargain to make sure there’s no more compromise can be made. And then I was angry. I was angry for having the decision made this late. I was angry for not able to prevent this from happening.

I never lost a love one to death, so this whole grieving experience was new to me. I spent the next day trying to get distracted with work. whenever there’s I took a break and started to think about what I just lost, I started to tear up. I had no idea I had all this emotion in me. I spent 15 minutes at night just crying by myself. I know I had to go through the process to be able to move on.

4 days later, after hearing back from a lot of people with supports and prayers, I started to accept it. Trying hard to focus on the positive and learn to move on. Of course I’m still picking up the pieces, referring to both the wedding plan pieces as well as my heart.

Many good memories for the past 2 years we were together. I’m going to get a closure relatively soon and hope to move on.

It’s interesting how life works. I planned to start the blog with the happiest day of my life, but it turns out to be the saddest day of my life. with many unrealized dreams. With the positive spin, this means that none of my blog would be as depressing as this one…:)

I also found it therapeutic to put my thought process in writing. I plan to blog stuff I found interesting and hopefully some people will too. I don’t know how long I can blog but I hope I can keep doing it. One thing I’m committed of doing is to not turn my blog to be a gossip bulletin board. I wouldn’t put anything about someone that I wouldn’t be comfortable telling the person myself. If I ever do that, feel free to call me out on that.

And I know, with God’s help, tomorrow is a better day….